i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
