the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
