I've blown a few things in my day
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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