you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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