My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
