Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
