god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
