Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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