So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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