so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
