I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
