I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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