I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
