Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
