Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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