So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
