I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
