so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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