What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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