Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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