I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
