I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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