no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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