I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
so much tequila, so little girl.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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