she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i now understand why vodka
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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