Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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