I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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