she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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