I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm passing your future prison.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
