Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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