I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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