i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
