You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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