the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
