I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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