I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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