mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
