Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
