pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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