just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
