somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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