Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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