Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
