clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
