we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
do herpes really smell.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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