Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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