Girls should come with a carfax report
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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