I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
