I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
