Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
