I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
