Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When are your genitals available?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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