I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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