I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
